6 Ways the Church Fosters Sexual Abuse

1. In response to the world’s overt worship of sex, the church goes silent.

“Let your manhood be a blessing; rejoice in the wife of your youth. Let her charms and tender embrace satisfy you. Let her love alone fill you with delight.” Proverbs 5:18-19, TLB

Did you know if you Google ‘what the Bible says about sex’, Google will suggest ‘what the Bible says about sexual immorality’? The popular search engine suggests that we are well-versed in how not to do sex, but do we really know what sex is?

Sex is a beautiful act of worship to God. The sexual union of male and female within the marriage commitment is a beautiful expression of love that brings God great glory. Satan does not want God to receive this glory, so he twists sex that it becomes about man worshiping himself instead of God.

Instead of rising up to combat this lie with the truth of sex’s created purpose, we as a church tend to go silent. We stick the subject of sex away to be brought out only when it is time to talk about the birds and bees, at marriage ceremonies, and during youth events. Satan must be delighted as he watches us fall into the other ditch and ostracize sex instead of celebrating it as God intended. The glory that is due God’s name is lost to fear, silence, and misconceptions.

Until sex is something we can talk about as a gift from God, sexual abuse will continue to harm innocent lives within the church. Sexual abuse is a lie in which two people are entangled. Neither will find freedom unless the lie is replaced with truth. The victimizer worships himself and the victim suffers in silence, while the church righteously preaches about sexual immorality and whispers occasionally of sexual pleasure.

We must break the deception that sex is shameful and reignite the dying ember of godly sex if we wish to sever our generational ties with sexual abuse.

    2.  We expect the church to raise the children.

“Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.” Deuteronomy 11:18-19, NIV

The Bible is full of advice for raising children. The admonition is clearly directed at parents, yet some of us seem to have missed the parent part, or maybe it’s just easier to expect the church to raise them. “If I go to the right church, send them to the right school, and keep them from outside influences, then I can be sure my children will turn out good” seems to be some church-going parents’ motto, rather than Deuteronomy eleven.

While church life is important and influences need to be monitored, there is no substitute for parents. They are the child’s main instructors, while the church fills in the gaps. Rarely does a church have all the necessary resources or time to raise the child.

In a culture where the church is expected to raise the children, the children usually end up raising the children. If parents are not teaching about sex and the church has gone silent, children will turn to the world. Children want answers and the world is more than happy to oblige. The answers they receive will be hidden and covertly passed on to the next generation, for children imitate what is modeled. And for far too many, secrecy appears to go hand in hand with sex.

3.  Authority is revered more than the Creator of authority.

“But I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God. For as woman came from man, so also man is born of woman. But everything comes from God.” 1 Corinthians 11:3, 12

Authority is an important Biblical principle. But it is only one of many Biblical principles. The moment an authority figure steps out from under the Ultimate Authority and hides sin in the guise of God-given authority, he replaces his first love with a love for self and becomes nothing but a clashing cymbal. Lucifer was guilty of declaring himself independent of God’s authority and was thrown out of Heaven as a result.

When we as a church preach loudly submission to authority at all cost to our congregants, we become a harbor for abuse. The abuser’s authority protects him while condemning the victim to suffer in silence. Sexual abuse is a crime of power.

The hands of those who exalt authority without accountability will sooner or later be covered with the blood of the vulnerable.

    4.  Our redemptive programs focus on the sinner & expect the sinned against to forgive and move back into normal life.

“Her brother Absalom said to her, “Has that Amnon, your brother, been with you? Be quiet for now, my sister; he is your brother. Don’t take this thing to heart.” And Tamar lived in her brother Absalom’s house, a desolate woman.” 2 Samuel 13:20, NIV

Most churches recognize the need for the sinner to find help. What we seem to miss is that the victim needs help, too. Too often they become lost in the resulting confusion and continue to suffer silently. They are expected to heal by simply stepping back into normal life while the pain within them remains largely untouched.

Sexual abuse is devastating because it attacks the victim at her very core. The lies she accepts in order to survive are devastating and can affect her heart for years after the abuse has ceased. The only way to find healing is to pour out the lies and allow truth to bring freedom. The victim cannot do this alone. She needs truth speakers in her life who will lay down their own lives in order to lead her tenderly to the Source of all Truth, her ABBA.

The only path that will successfully lead to Him is a path of sacrifice and commitment. When we attempt to do this in our own power, we won’t succeed. We will take one step only to turn around and run the other direction, many times dragging the victim with us. We don’t want to hear the heart-breaking, shocking words their hearts have felt, so we turn away, feeling inadequate. We forget that while we may be inadequate, our God is not.

The way to freedom leads through a victim’s memories. Godly compassion will walk with them through their pain so that they can experience the rainbow at the other end. How will they see Jesus through their pain unless someone walks with them in the footsteps of Jesus? The church of God should rejoice in the opportunity to introduce the hurting victim to true Love by example.

5.  We gossip rather than lovingly confront.

“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.  But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses.  If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.” Matthew 18:15-17 ESV

Sexual abuse defined simply is a person fulfilling his lust for power by sexually exploiting the vulnerable. Victimizers have a position of authority (spoken or unspoken) in the victim’s life. God structured authority with the intent that authority figures would care for their young as shepherds. Young children innately trust their authorities. We were created this way.

When the vulnerable encounters what God created to be a structure of safety and experiences rather the devastating thievery of selfish authorities, the damage cracks their foundation of values. Their whole world shakes and where trust once ruled, distrust now dictates.  

Gossip reinforces both the victim and victimizer’s perceived lack of value. It continues to feed the victim’s belief that she is not worth rescuing and is only good as a source of entertainment. Gossip waters shame and grows the belief that nobody can be trusted. It is always harmful, but especially within the church. The church should be a place where we can safely expose the dirtiest parts of our hearts and experience healing community. When gossip reigns in the church, the exact opposite happens: people close up and go numb to avoid greater injury. Or they just leave. The very place God intended for healing becomes a place of condemnation.

In order for healing and restoration to happen, someone must step up and be willing to call out the sin. If we truly believe that both souls trapped by this sin, are souls that God created and loves, then shouldn’t we be the first one knocking on the sinner’s door? We seem rather to be content speculating on what may or may not be happening rather than lovingly requesting explanations and calling out inconsistencies in the story (these always exist in incidents of sexual abuse).

Many times we are hesitant to confront because we equate confrontation with condemnation. Confrontation is only condemning when it is done without the spirit of Christ. Sin is what condemns the sinner, not confrontation. Loving confrontation brings restoration for the repentant and healing for the victim.

Confrontation of a situation where sin exists is the first step in rebuilding lost trust in the heart of the victim. Confrontation reassures the victim and the victimizer that they are valuable, so valuable that we are willing to be vulnerable to ensure their spiritual and physical safety.

6. We separate ourselves from justice.

“He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.” Micah 6:8 NIV

Just as Satan has twisted the purpose of sex, so he has twisted God’s purpose for justice on earth. Justice in the hands of an evil world tends to be accomplished through violence. This is not how God practices justice. Justice is about redemption, not violence!

The Bible assures us that God is a God of justice AND redemption. Even before man fell into sin, before God created the world, He had already devised a beautiful plan of redemption for His creation. Justice was part of this plan, and justice remains a key factor in redemption.

There’s a term floating around in our judicial system today that few people know about and even fewer welcome in their moments of grief and loss. The term is restorative justice and its purpose is just that: to restore the wrongdoer through justice (there is hope that justice may recover from its negative connotation yet :)). When I look at God the Redeemer, I see a God who uses justice to restore the sinner.

When we separate justice from the restoration process, we remove a vital component in the redemptive process necessary for both the sinner and the sinned against to find healing. God is the only Healer of broken hearts. He made our hearts and He alone knows how to fit the pieces back together when we lie shattered on the ground. If we desire healing for those suffering from sexual abuse, then we must follow God’s principles and act within His character. Choosing to leave justice out of the picture is choosing to leave God out of the picture. If healing is our goal and God is the only Healer, then we most certainly do not want to do that.

 

These are my Wings, She said

She pulled the suitcase over between us and stated, “Just a warning, you may see things you’ve never seen before.” She said it matter-of-factly, not meeting my eyes. The contents of the suitcase- this had been her life.

I quickly replied in a hopefully equally matter-of-fact voice, “No worries. I’ve seen a lot and am not easily shocked.” That was all I said, but I hoped that she heard so much more. You are loved. Nothing you wore or did could change my mind about you. I believe that your heart has always longed for better things, even when you did worser things. I believe in you now, and I would have believed in you then. Your value in my eyes comes from who you are, a precious beloved of my Abba’s, not for what you’ve done. You are loved. I wish I had said the words.

She opened the suitcase then and paused a moment, chewing, chewing her gum as if the action could quell the fear, memories, and misgivings churning within her mind and stomach. I looked at her, gathering the courage to delve into her past so that she could move forward, and my heart cheered her on.

She pulled out a cosmetic case, then a stack of letters and cards. We took our time sorting through each, avoiding the suitcase between us. She gave me some papers to throw away and then that was it. We couldn’t avoid it anymore, so she plunged resolutely in. I did my best to make sure the papers were well in the bottom of the empty garbage bag.

I turned back at the sound of her voice.

She held them before her, quietly looking at them and I wondered at the thousand things that must be swirling through her mind at that moment. I looked at them, too, and was so glad for her sake that those black wings could not speak. I felt a lump growing in my throat, and my heart hurt. I wanted to say the thousand things that was swirling in my head, but I couldn’t get them past that stubborn lump in my throat.

She spoke again, matter-of-factly, always matter-of-factly, “You can throw them away. I won’t need them anymore.” And then the sorting continued, but it was those wings that kept stabbing at my heart and nurturing the lump in my throat.

Over the next two days I heard more of her story. Death threats, kidnappings, pimps, the next high, terror, disease…and each time I thought about those wings.

Broken wings, enslaved wings beating desperately at the cage of addiction in which the prostitute is trapped: her pimp’s power addiction, her john’s sexual addiction, her own drug addiction. She is surrounded by bars, yet Satan uses the very sign of freedom, wings, to feed the perverted minds of her ‘customers’.  How brilliantly deceptive of Satan to twist God’s gift of freedom through Jesus into an entangling web that pitches man before the very gates of hell.

These are my wings, she said. My heart stops before the echo of her words. I have wings, too, I realize. We all have wings.  The human race has been madly pursuing freedom ever since that fateful day in the Garden of Eden. Some things don’t change.

Pain…it is the forerunner of the curse of addiction. We all have pain, just different types, levels, and extents. It grabs at our hearts, chokes our breath, and leaves us alternately sobbing, panting, or spitting for relief. All within us cries for escape.

For my friend and millions of us, addiction seems an easy escape. Addiction does not only come in the form of drugs, sex, or power. Satan has a million ways in which He can bind a heart desperate for relief.

And addiction does just that. It binds the heart through the mad desire for more, more, more. More is never enough. Freedom becomes increasingly elusive and pain a daily reality. We find our promised wings are only fake and contain not even an ounce of freedom.

Into this mess…

Enter honesty.

Enter complete brokenness.

Enter surrender.

Enter a God Who came as a Man to set the captive free.

Enter the cross.

AND

Discover redemption.

Discover healing.

Discover freedom!

      Through a unique sequence of events, my friend found Hope for true freedom and has thrown away her fake wings. She no longer needs them, for she is reaching for a new pair whose freedom she already knows. I tell her to stop reaching for them and I point towards her back. I see them there already, such beautiful wings! Their simple radiance is captivating and I am anxious to see God’s plan to continue the good work which He has begun in her.

This cure that she has found…it is the cure for every broken heart. Let go of your tight grip upon those fake wings, beleaguered soul, and cling rather to the cross. The cross is the foundation of freedom and the Man Who died there the One and Only Source of freedom. Live in the light of this Truth, and He shall set you free.

For He is {Freedom}.

Soar once with Him and you will want no other wings.

 *Based on a true story. Details have been changed to protect my friend’s privacy.

Glory not in your Brokenness

There is this word that is being bounced around in Christianity today. It is quite common, a word to which many popular Christian bloggers, speakers, and authors are pointing to in almost every post, speech, and chapter (I really don’t think I’m stretching that). It’s not that I don’t like the word, or don’t agree with its importance in the Christian life. In fact, I really like the word. I use it a lot. I believe we cannot know God without this word.

But recently God has been asking me questions about this word. I’ve been tilting my head and pondering, rubbing my forehead and squinting, propping my chin in my hands and staring, trying to figure it out. I’m beginning to believe that the value of this word, or this state, as you will, is not its perpetual existence in the Christian’s life, but rather the state to which it leads.

The word is broken. I really like this word, because this is where I met God. I was utterly, completely, hopelessly broken that afternoon before God. I could not know God until I was broken. A lack of brokenness produces a superficial Christianity. While God cannot work without brokenness, God is a God of perfection and redemption. He never leaves anything halfway. His works are always perfect (Genesis 1:31). We must be broken to meet God, but we must be more to know God. Brokenness is only a starting point; it was never intended to be a definition of the Christian life.

 

The importance of brokenness is that it prepares the heart for surrender. Anybody can be broken. In reality, everybody is broken. Only some admit it. And fewer still move beyond it to the {beauty} of surrender.

Brokenness reveals your need of a Savior. Surrender accepts the help of a Savior.

God meets us in our brokenness and calls us to surrender. His voice, His demeanor is complete tenderness but the choice is always ours. Too many of us find our way to the cleansing honesty of brokenness only to miss the healing Redemption of surrender.

Surrender is scary. It’s like riding a roller coaster that you’ve never seen before and have no idea when it will end. That’s why many prefer brokenness without surrender. It is hard. You have to walk through the pain of your Past. You have to face Demons determined to tear you from His peace. You have to face Humans bent on tripping you up. You have to face a world of evil.

I have been there, on the roller coaster and face to face with surrender. Yes, both are brutal, but both are {beautiful}. Which you see depends on what, or Who, is in your heart. When God is your Guide and your Peace, no amount of past pain, present darkness, or future danger can ever derail your ride. You can become overwhelmed with your ride or the One Whose Spirit is within you and awaits you in Person at the end of the ride; it’s your choice.

When you are overwhelmed with your ride, you are focused on your brokenness. When you are overwhelmed with your Guide, you are focused on God, to whom you have surrendered.  And what you focus on becomes your destiny.

Brokenness versus surrender ultimately becomes the choice of fear or trust. 

The fascinating thing is…both brokenness and surrender are guaranteed tickets to the roller coaster which takes you through through your Past, the Demons, the Humans, and the Evil. When you ride with Brokenness alone, you ride ALONE. The way is petrifying and your heart is in your throat. all. the. time. It’s a ride filled with confusion that ends with Death (James 1:6-8). When you ride with Surrender, you ride with LOVE. And perfect LOVE casts out all fear (1 John 4:18). You ride with Him, for He is LOVE (1 John 4:8), and your ride ends in HIS ARMS of LOVE.

I choose surrender. To LOVE, to HIM. I desperately need HIM to keep me as I journey through the Past, the Demons, the Humans, and the Evil. I in my brokenness am no match for them. I choose {healing}, for {healing} comes only through SURRENDER to LOVE.

What about you? What will you choose?

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GLORY NOT IN YOUR BROKENNESS; RATHER, GLORY IN THE ONE WHO HAS BROKEN YOU. FOR HE HAS BROKEN YOU THAT YOU MIGHT {KNOW} [HIM. HE IS] love.

His {Beauty} in my {broken}

The broken bottles were thrown there by man. Used once, twice, so easy to throw away and forget about.

Considered useful by the world when full but a waste of space when empty.

      They cluttered the beach, transforming it from a smooth, relaxing retreat to a distasteful, smelly eyesore. The sand-castle building children, sunbathers, and beach wanderers left for more appealing beaches where there was no danger of glass cuts and the sun shone on sparkling waves, not broken bottles.

      Time passed. Some caring soul took upon himself the promotion of a law restricting the dumping of any more broken bottles. The law passed.

       More time passed. Tides came and went. Storms rose and subsided. Years passed.

      And then one day, someone made an amazing discovery. The stormy waves and daily tides had created something beautiful of the broken bottle beach. No longer was it cluttered with mounds of trashed bottles. The glass shards had been transformed into beautiful pebbles that reflected the shining sun in rainbow hues. The forgotten beach sang the song of a million little stones with the continuous lapping of the waves. Time and water had created {Beauty} where once there had only been {broken}.

Have you ever felt like a forsaken, broken bottle? I have.

     Whether it was from circumstances such as broken or denied dreams or people who hurt us, intentional or unintentional, we have all felt pain. Most of us understand the pain resulting from wrong choices, but what does one do with pain that we do not deserve? One cannot lie on the beach forever…or can he?

      If you are lying {broken} on the beach of life, I believe you have several choices.

     You can rise up and live life in the broken bottle city, where everyone tries to hide their broken spot and pretend like nothing is wrong. ‘What, broken?! They were never broken!’ It is very important to them that their brokenness remains hidden. It is so important, in fact, that they will hurt others to keep their brokenness hidden. Have you ever heard the saying, “Hurting people hurt people?” That’s what these people do.

     Or you can hobble around from bottle hospital to bottle hospital, hoping to find a cure, cursing those who have broken you. The ones who choose this path would kill to avenge if there was no law against it, and some do anyways. These people end up being the ‘hurting people hurt people’ kind, too.

     Or you can stay on the sand and remain broken. I can promise you that gritty sand will sweep your heart and threaten your soul. Black thunder clouds will pelt you with rain. Storms will whip you, throw you, and try to drown you in the fury of their foaming waves. And always, always, there will be the tide, ebbing and flowing, ebbing and flowing. Washing over you, day after day after day, smothering you, mocking you in your helplessness. There may be times when you think the end is near and there will be many times when you’ll wish it was.

     Life will break you, trust me. And if you decide to follow Jesus, Satan will join life’s side in doing all he can to break you to shards. To ruin you.

     But! You have a choice. You are not entirely at life and Satan’s mercy.

If you want to be whole, then you must choose to remain {broken} on the beach.

     I know, it’s crazy, right? But that’s how God works. He takes what is foolishness to man and creates {Beauty} out of {brokenness}.

He could just replace us when we break. That’s what man does.

He could just fix us so that we are useful again. That’s what some men would do.

     But He. is. God. So he does something that only He could do.

     He takes the {broken} parts of our lives and transforms them into {Beautiful} pebbles on the beach of His story. We glorify Him as we reflect the Son’s rays in rainbow hues and sing the song of faith even in the storm.

His grace and the Son’s blood redeem our {brokenness} into a radiant ministry for Him.

      Dear friend, expect to be broken. Expect tears, rain, storms, and brokenness. Expect scars and even more, expect shards. God shows Himself in {broken} lives. In fact, it is the only lives He chooses to work through. If your dreams have died, your life has been {broken}, rejoice! Through His Son’s blood, He will redeem every piece to reflect His {Beauty}.

So if you are lying {broken} on the beach of life, stay there!

God will teach you songs in the rain and show His {Beauty} in your {brokenness}.

     And even if no one else seems to hear the music of your life or His {Beauty} in your {brokenness}, still stay there! Don’t worry…

God has seen it, and that is enough.